torn again

After yesterday’s beta, I’ve been given a ton of hope!  Basically, I’m feeling like and treating this as if it is going to last.  But I worry that if it does all go wrong, that hoping this much will only make it hurt more, if that does happen.  I realize I need to focus more on the one day at at time mantra.  “Today I am pregnant and that is wonderful!  We’ll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.”  It’s easy to say that, but so hard to live it.  I’m trying though.  And don’t worry about me not being excited right now.  Because I am.  I really feel that I am indeed pregnant and will have a child in the October timeframe.  That’s great.

I’m also torn about the baby aspirin.  I’ve been taking baby aspirin for some time now, in the hope that it would fend off any other chemical pregnancies.  I asked my nurse at the RE’s office if that is still good for me to keep taking.  She called this morning and said the RE would prefer that I stop taking it.  I’m torn here because I want to follow his advice and fully trust in his medical expertise.  But what if I do need it?  I know he would be ok with me taking it if it eases my mind, but I don’t want to take a drug for that reason alone.  I guess I will trust in my doc and stop taking it.  But I’m a little uneasy doing that.

214!

Today’s beta was 214. That’s a doubling time of 40.97 hours, according to the Betabase. So everything is looking good. I’ll go in for an ultrasound on Feb. 20th to hopefully see the heartbeat.

On another note, if you’re one of the people who know me in the real world, I’m keeping this a secret for a while. I’d like to wait til about 12 weeks, actually, though I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull that off. So understand if I don’t publicly discuss it for a little while. I probably will tell my family, but that is about it.
Right now I feel nauseas and incredibly tired. It’s hard to concentrate at work, but I guess I’ll have to learn how to do it!

And for your enjoyment a ticker!

Ok, maybe that’s just for my enjoyment.

yay!

I totally just dry heaved at work! Nothing productive. I am currently chomping on some saltines in hopes that will settle my stomach.

Oh, in regards to my post this morning, I don’t want to imply that I will be the eternal pessimist. Just that everything won’t be sunshine and daisies around here either. That’s the type of pregnancy that got stolen from me. Not that I would feel that way anyway… I don’t seem to be the sunshine and daisies type person anyway… But in case you were worried about my state of mind, I just wanted to clarify that.

Stolen

An easy, mindless, carefree pregnancy has been taken from me. I know I’ve seen other people who’re pregnant after infertility say the same thing, so I know that I’m not alone, or even crazy. It’s just the way it is. You can’t go through the trauma of multiple losses, and then just keep on expecting everything is going to be just peachy this one time. So right now, the next milestone is the second beta. Then it’ll be the 7 week ultrasound to look for a heartbeat. Then it’ll be to make it to 12 weeks, then it’ll be to make it until the baby will be viable outside of the womb, even if it is with medical intervention. Then it’ll be to make it as long as possible, because we all know that every day is important for growth and the health of our baby, up until birth. So yes, I am happy, I am excited, but I’ll always be holding my breath til the next benchmark. It’s just the way it is.

Results

Beta-HCG – 95.2. This point in time the last time I went in for a beta, which turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, it was 18.4, so definitely an improvement! I will go in on Wednesday to make sure that number rises at the rate it is supposed to. I’m feeling a bit better now, but I’ll feel way better Wednesday.

Thankful

This post literally made me cry when I first read it last night.  Thank you Misty for that.  It means a lot.

On another note, I should get bloodwork results back sometime this afternoon…

Um…

I took a test this morning and there was a very, very faint line! My mom saw it too, so I’m not just crazy. Now, I’m not really all that excited yet. Past experiences and whatnot. I’ll test again Monday and hope that the line gets darker. I’ll probably go in for a beta then too.

Hermit

I’ve been scarce lately.  I’ve sort of secluded myself at home, with little human contact.  I’ve hermit-ized myself.  Why?  I’m not sure.  Maybe I’m mildly depressed.  Maybe the seclusion is feeding into that.  Maybe I just yearn for quiet nights at home with good tv and a crochet project.  Maybe I feel like I’ve not spent enough time on “me time” the past few months and therefore have been making up for it the past few weeks.  Maybe a combination thereof.  I don’t really know.  But it’s been long enough I’ve been in seclusion that people are starting to comment on how they never get to see us.  Not just one person, but several.  I’m not quite sure how to take that.  It’s really, really nice to be loved by so many people.  I’m glad they’ve noticed I’ve been absent.  Perhaps I would be upset if no one did notice.  But that’s certainly not the point of the seclusion.  That’s just been something to come out of it that I just didn’t expect.  So if you’ve asked about me, or even both of us, thanks.  It’s greatly appreciated. 🙂  I’ll come out of hiding soon.  Thanks for caring and being patient.

In site news, I changed the header yesterday for the month of February.  Enjoy!

New link on Sidebar

I’ve added a link from fertilityfriend’s RSS feed on the top of the sidebar. This will update daily with what cycle day I’m on, and will tell you how many dpo I am as well. There is also a FAQ included as part of this RSS feed. If you click the link, it will take you to my chart. I had a ticker to link to my chart, but the ticker was too big for the sidebar, so the text feed it is! Enjoy!

ETA – this is what my ticker looks like:

Ultrasound Atlas

Ultrasound Atlas

I thought it might be useful to show what sorts of things I see when I get an ultrasound done at the RE’s office, and I found this great resource for ultrasound photos, linked above, since I do not have copies of my own ultrasounds. I’ve pulled a few photos for illustrative purposes here.

The first is what the uterus looks like in an ultrasound:

Here you can see the “three-layers” of the uterus. You can see tickmarks where the ultrasound tech is doing some measurements. Early in the cycle, the distance from top to bottom through these layers should be thin. By mid-cycle, this distance should be 7 mm or greater in thickness. This is how they measure the uterine lining. I’ve linked a thumbnail here because the full size was too large, in my opinion.

Next, we’ll look at an ovarian follicle on the ovary:

Here you can see the shape of the ovary, and a large dark mass. This is an ovarian follicle! Early in the cycle, these follicles are very small, and there are usually several of them. Leading up to ovulation, typically one follicle is selected to be the dominant one and it will grow much bigger than the others, before releasing an egg at ovulation. Again, you can see tickmarks where they are measuring the size. My largest follicle this last go round was 19 mm. But, they can be larger than that! This site talks about the typical size of ovarian follicles in natural and medicated cycles around ovulation. This ultrasound image of an ovarian follicle is of a normal one. If I had PCOS (which I don’t, but just for the sake of interest), my ovaries might look like this:

Here you can see the shape of the ovary, and several small follicles. These small follicles are often described as looking like a “string of pearls.” You can read more about PCOS here.

So, now you know what my doctors are looking at and for when I go in for ultrasounds!