From Stirrup Queens latest twenty questions post:
“In Ann Douglas’s book, Trying Again, one interviewee states on page 132 that her ‘body was responsible for my children’s lives and deaths.’…snip…
We certainly congratulate the woman on giving birth as if she has done the hard work. Yet we don’t congratulate each other on other bodily functions during the course of the day (by the way, everyone, great job breathing today)…snip…
Based on what we’ve been talking about for the past two days and ideas of femininity, are we simply too hard on ourselves?Do we accept the responsibility that others place on our shoulders or is it better to throw off that blame or accolades? Should we rethink how we discuss childbirth or should we embrace this idea of responsibility?”
Hm… That’s an interesting way to look at things. It’s not something I’ve thought of. I think it is hard to separate our body’s responsibility from our own responsibility. Are we being too hard on ourselves? Yes, probably. I mean, we don’t tell people who can’t breath on their own that they’re less of a person because of it! Or you, because you need that pace maker, you’re a failure as a person because your heart needs help regulating itself. But that’s the thing. That’s we don’t tell other people these things. We also don’t tell other infertiles that yeah, sorry, you suck just like me, because we don’t really think that. We’re hardest on ourselves. We can be compassionate and rational with other people, but when it comes to ourselves, that rational thing walks out the door! It’s hard to take my failure to carry to term as not a personal failure. Do I rationally think it is all my fault and that I’m damaged goods? No, not really. Certainly not in my strong moments. But in my weak moments… Well those are the times when I wonder what I could do differently this time. What did I do wrong that’s causing all of this? Even when I know rationally that I didn’t really do anything to cause such.
As far as how we treat childbirth… I’m not sure we should really change that. I think what we need to change, somehow, is, again, how we berate ourselves for our “failure” to go through childbirth. Someone who went through childbirth naturally should of course be cheered for it! Even if it is a natural body function, it’s not something that comes along as easily as breathing. But if someone needs a Cesaraen section, she should be cheered for that too! Any successful birth should be met with enthusiasm. I think we often feel that if we don’t do it on our own, whether it is conception, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc., that we’re a failure. That’s the thinking we have to change. No matter how the child is conceived, birthed, or fed, we did it. Sure, with the help of our bodies, doctors, medicine, and science. It’s all pretty miraculous and should be celebrated, cheered, and praised.
We should also remember that for those who are unsuccessful at conceiving or carrying to term, that it is a loss and should be grieved as such. But that we’re not less of a person or a woman because of it. It’s not fair to ourselves to place blame for something that is outside of our control. Honestly though, I’m not sure how to fight those feelings and thoughts. Maybe just occasional reminding ourselves of such.
“I’m not less of a woman because I can’t seem to successfully get pregnant.”
Sometimes it is work to keep those negative, self berating thoughts away.
Ok, I’ve had a really hard time to put my thoughts into words here. Which is why this post is really long and rambly. But Carla’s comment on the Stirrup queens post linked above seems to put into words what I can’t.
snip… “So, I’m not to blame for my body’s failures (unless I’ve deliberately abused it in some way), but it is my responsibility to fix those failures (if I can) and take care of my body, because I am the one who has to live with the consequences”… snip…
“I think I have to stop believing that life is fair. As long as I believe that, I will blame myself. Because if life is fair, I MUST have done something bad to deserve my IF. Otherwise, I would have 2 or 3 kids by now. Bitch PhD is right–that kind of control is just an illusion. Unfortunately (for me anyway), that is the hardest thing to let go of.”
Well said Carla.
This was a difficult post for me to write. Sometimes I just have really, really difficult time putting words to my thoughts.
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