When we started on this journey, we were pretty secretive. No one knew we were trying until we got pregnant the first time, and then only our parents. I think that’s pretty typical. Over time, I got to where I cared less and less if what I was saying gave away that we were trying. This began to make it obvious to a few, who then asked the question. I’m finding now it’s been so long that I really don’t care who knows. It’s too tiring to try to hide it. I was telling someone about Rick’s eye surgery the other day and said something along the lines of I may do it once we’re done having kids. Of course, that statement led to the question of if we’re thinking about kids soon. In the past I might have looked a bit uncomfortable while I tried to put together words for that. Instead, I just told her yeah, we’ve been trying for a long time now and we’re currently seeing a specialist. At the very least, I won’t do lasik until we’re done going to the fertility clinic. For one, you can’t get it if you’re pregnant because apparently your eyes change shape when you’re pregnant. Who knew? Anyway, the question doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m just too tired to try to hide it. All for what?
Maybe part of the not wanting to be secretive anymore is that I feel I have something to prove. When I do get pregnant and carry to term (Lord willing), I want it to be known, somewhat, that it didn’t come easily to me. That I didn’t just put away the birth control and get pregnant on a whim. I had to fight for it. I’m not sure why I feel people should know that. And even more strangely how I don’t mind acquaintances and coworkers knowing, but I’m still unsure if I want my extended family to know. Sometimes I think that yes, I would like to tell my grandparents and aunts. Other times, I’m content with my little secret. That’s not to say they don’t think we’re trying. I’ve made comments to them too to kind of give it away. But they haven’t straight out asked me about it. If they did, I would probably tell the truth.
Another reason to have the need to tell people is so that they don’t think I’m trying to keep up with the Joneses. Two of my closest friends are pregnant now. If I were to get pregnant while they still are (which is looking less and less like it will happen), I don’t want to get some off-handed comment about feeling like I had to catch up with them or something. Or feeling like I had to get pregnant because they were. One of these friends has done everything parallel to us. We got married within a few weeks, we bought a house within a few weeks, we even planted a tree in our yards within a few weeks. Oh and we work together and our husbands work together. I don’t want it to seem that we got pregnant together on purpose (if that were to happen), or that we decided to have a child because of them. Maybe no one would think that, but that’s just some of my insecurities talking. I don’t even know if it makes any sense. But if I tell people what we’ve been through, then surely they couldn’t think that. And don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for my friends, and I’m thankful that neither of them had to go through what we are. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Heh, I write a lot less coherently when I try to talk about my thoughts/feelings.
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