Ultrasound Atlas

Ultrasound Atlas

I thought it might be useful to show what sorts of things I see when I get an ultrasound done at the RE’s office, and I found this great resource for ultrasound photos, linked above, since I do not have copies of my own ultrasounds. I’ve pulled a few photos for illustrative purposes here.

The first is what the uterus looks like in an ultrasound:

Here you can see the “three-layers” of the uterus. You can see tickmarks where the ultrasound tech is doing some measurements. Early in the cycle, the distance from top to bottom through these layers should be thin. By mid-cycle, this distance should be 7 mm or greater in thickness. This is how they measure the uterine lining. I’ve linked a thumbnail here because the full size was too large, in my opinion.

Next, we’ll look at an ovarian follicle on the ovary:

Here you can see the shape of the ovary, and a large dark mass. This is an ovarian follicle! Early in the cycle, these follicles are very small, and there are usually several of them. Leading up to ovulation, typically one follicle is selected to be the dominant one and it will grow much bigger than the others, before releasing an egg at ovulation. Again, you can see tickmarks where they are measuring the size. My largest follicle this last go round was 19 mm. But, they can be larger than that! This site talks about the typical size of ovarian follicles in natural and medicated cycles around ovulation. This ultrasound image of an ovarian follicle is of a normal one. If I had PCOS (which I don’t, but just for the sake of interest), my ovaries might look like this:

Here you can see the shape of the ovary, and several small follicles. These small follicles are often described as looking like a “string of pearls.” You can read more about PCOS here.

So, now you know what my doctors are looking at and for when I go in for ultrasounds!

Miscarriage Sympathy Cards

Miscarriage Sympathy Cards – Poems – Loss of Baby / Infant

This is something I stumbled across last week, and just haven’t gotten around to posting yet.   Personally, I think it is a great idea!  Miscarriage is one of those events where people just don’t know what to say.  But if you’re the one experiencing it, it is nice to get some sort of acknowledgement from those who love you.  And there are normal sympathy cards.  We grieve the losses of our children too, even if that loss occured in the womb, so why not have sympathy cards for them as well?

That site has a bunch of other neat stuff too.  I like a lot of the jewelry, particularly some of the bracelets, but I doubt I’ll buy one.  As beautiful as they are, they are a bit pricey to me.  Though, I understand handcrafted items having a premium price, so the prices are probably worth it.  I’m just too cheap.

7dpo

Today is halfway through the two week wait. I’m trying hard not to overanalyze every symptom. I’m pretty much failing at that right now. I’m trying not to overanalyze them, since most early pregnancy symptoms at this point are pretty much the same as pms. Of course, it is very difficult to not be hopeful. But we’ll see! I’m not sure I can wait til 14dpo to start testing!

must read blogs?

I’m slowly building up my blogroll. I’m only adding a few at a time just so I don’t get people mixed up! What I want to know is what are you favorite infertility blogs? Are there any that I don’t have in my blogroll that you think is an absolutely must read? Or, are there any new ones that is looking for new readers, just like me? Don’t hesitate to leave your own blog as a suggestion. I’m open to any infertility blogs, including adoption, pregnant or parenting after infertility. So give me all you got!

Responsbility, Blame, and such

From Stirrup Queens latest twenty questions post:

“In Ann Douglas’s book, Trying Again, one interviewee states on page 132 that her ‘body was responsible for my children’s lives and deaths.’…snip…

We certainly congratulate the woman on giving birth as if she has done the hard work. Yet we don’t congratulate each other on other bodily functions during the course of the day (by the way, everyone, great job breathing today)…snip…

Based on what we’ve been talking about for the past two days and ideas of femininity, are we simply too hard on ourselves?Do we accept the responsibility that others place on our shoulders or is it better to throw off that blame or accolades? Should we rethink how we discuss childbirth or should we embrace this idea of responsibility?”

Hm… That’s an interesting way to look at things. It’s not something I’ve thought of. I think it is hard to separate our body’s responsibility from our own responsibility. Are we being too hard on ourselves? Yes, probably. I mean, we don’t tell people who can’t breath on their own that they’re less of a person because of it! Or you, because you need that pace maker, you’re a failure as a person because your heart needs help regulating itself. But that’s the thing. That’s we don’t tell other people these things. We also don’t tell other infertiles that yeah, sorry, you suck just like me, because we don’t really think that. We’re hardest on ourselves. We can be compassionate and rational with other people, but when it comes to ourselves, that rational thing walks out the door! It’s hard to take my failure to carry to term as not a personal failure. Do I rationally think it is all my fault and that I’m damaged goods? No, not really. Certainly not in my strong moments. But in my weak moments… Well those are the times when I wonder what I could do differently this time. What did I do wrong that’s causing all of this? Even when I know rationally that I didn’t really do anything to cause such.

As far as how we treat childbirth… I’m not sure we should really change that. I think what we need to change, somehow, is, again, how we berate ourselves for our “failure” to go through childbirth. Someone who went through childbirth naturally should of course be cheered for it! Even if it is a natural body function, it’s not something that comes along as easily as breathing. But if someone needs a Cesaraen section, she should be cheered for that too! Any successful birth should be met with enthusiasm. I think we often feel that if we don’t do it on our own, whether it is conception, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc., that we’re a failure. That’s the thinking we have to change. No matter how the child is conceived, birthed, or fed, we did it. Sure, with the help of our bodies, doctors, medicine, and science. It’s all pretty miraculous and should be celebrated, cheered, and praised.

We should also remember that for those who are unsuccessful at conceiving or carrying to term, that it is a loss and should be grieved as such. But that we’re not less of a person or a woman because of it. It’s not fair to ourselves to place blame for something that is outside of our control. Honestly though, I’m not sure how to fight those feelings and thoughts. Maybe just occasional reminding ourselves of such.

“I’m not less of a woman because I can’t seem to successfully get pregnant.”

Sometimes it is work to keep those negative, self berating thoughts away.
Ok, I’ve had a really hard time to put my thoughts into words here. Which is why this post is really long and rambly. But Carla’s comment on the Stirrup queens post linked above seems to put into words what I can’t.

snip… “So, I’m not to blame for my body’s failures (unless I’ve deliberately abused it in some way), but it is my responsibility to fix those failures (if I can) and take care of my body, because I am the one who has to live with the consequences”… snip…

“I think I have to stop believing that life is fair. As long as I believe that, I will blame myself. Because if life is fair, I MUST have done something bad to deserve my IF. Otherwise, I would have 2 or 3 kids by now. Bitch PhD is right–that kind of control is just an illusion. Unfortunately (for me anyway), that is the hardest thing to let go of.”

Well said Carla.

This was a difficult post for me to write. Sometimes I just have really, really difficult time putting words to my thoughts.

Are you guys thinking about… ?

When we started on this journey, we were pretty secretive. No one knew we were trying until we got pregnant the first time, and then only our parents. I think that’s pretty typical. Over time, I got to where I cared less and less if what I was saying gave away that we were trying. This began to make it obvious to a few, who then asked the question. I’m finding now it’s been so long that I really don’t care who knows. It’s too tiring to try to hide it. I was telling someone about Rick’s eye surgery the other day and said something along the lines of I may do it once we’re done having kids. Of course, that statement led to the question of if we’re thinking about kids soon. In the past I might have looked a bit uncomfortable while I tried to put together words for that. Instead, I just told her yeah, we’ve been trying for a long time now and we’re currently seeing a specialist. At the very least, I won’t do lasik until we’re done going to the fertility clinic. For one, you can’t get it if you’re pregnant because apparently your eyes change shape when you’re pregnant. Who knew? Anyway, the question doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m just too tired to try to hide it. All for what?

Maybe part of the not wanting to be secretive anymore is that I feel I have something to prove. When I do get pregnant and carry to term (Lord willing), I want it to be known, somewhat, that it didn’t come easily to me. That I didn’t just put away the birth control and get pregnant on a whim. I had to fight for it. I’m not sure why I feel people should know that. And even more strangely how I don’t mind acquaintances and coworkers knowing, but I’m still unsure if I want my extended family to know. Sometimes I think that yes, I would like to tell my grandparents and aunts. Other times, I’m content with my little secret. That’s not to say they don’t think we’re trying. I’ve made comments to them too to kind of give it away. But they haven’t straight out asked me about it. If they did, I would probably tell the truth.

Another reason to have the need to tell people is so that they don’t think I’m trying to keep up with the Joneses. Two of my closest friends are pregnant now. If I were to get pregnant while they still are (which is looking less and less like it will happen), I don’t want to get some off-handed comment about feeling like I had to catch up with them or something. Or feeling like I had to get pregnant because they were. One of these friends has done everything parallel to us. We got married within a few weeks, we bought a house within a few weeks, we even planted a tree in our yards within a few weeks. Oh and we work together and our husbands work together. I don’t want it to seem that we got pregnant together on purpose (if that were to happen), or that we decided to have a child because of them. Maybe no one would think that, but that’s just some of my insecurities talking. I don’t even know if it makes any sense. But if I tell people what we’ve been through, then surely they couldn’t think that. And don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for my friends, and I’m thankful that neither of them had to go through what we are. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Heh, I write a lot less coherently when I try to talk about my thoughts/feelings.

Changed Theme

Sorry Misty, but I got rid of the brown/green theme! I did actually like that theme, but I decided to go with one that I can customize a bit more. This theme allows me to upload any image for the header I like. I like this idea because I get bored with these things quickly and this allows me to easily change out the image header on any whim I get. Maybe someday I’ll buy wordpress credits and dive into the custom CSS, but I’m not really ready for that quite yet. In any case, enjoy the new look! I may change it at any moment!

Two posts in one day! oh no!

In The Womb: Multiples

National Geographic Channel – In The Womb: Multiples

I watched this special last night. We tivo-ed it over the weekend and I finally got to it last night. Simply fascinating. After over two years of infertility, I can’t say I really learned anything new (well, not much, there were some twin facts and theories that were somewhat new to me), but the visualizations they had were amazing. They followed 3 pregnancies in this special – one with twins, one with triplets (a set of identical twins and a fraternal triplet) and, most amazingly, a set of identical quadruplets. The special went through the reproductive process for the typical singleton, for identical twins (and even quads), and fraternal twins. Most of that information I’d heard before, but of course they had neat graphics to show these processes. For the pregnancies they were investigating, there were 4D ultrasound images of the multiples interacting in the womb. It really was amazing. Additionally, they had some sort of computer generated graphics to more clearly illustrate what goes on in the womb among multiples. At the end they showed the births of all of these pregnancies. The woman pregnant with twins gave birth naturally, the triplets and quads had cesarean sections. All of the babies were born healthy and eventually went home. The special went through the complications of multiples, such as not enough room for all to grow to a full-term birth weight and the types of complications associated with that. They covered other issues, such as vanishing twin syndrome. Sometimes there will be two or more babies in the womb, and one just vanishes. This is apparently very common and is being diagnosed more often with earlier ultrasounds showing two babies, but later ultrasounds only show one.

Anyway, I highly recommend the program. I don’t hope for multiples, and certainly not higher order multiples. But this program was still amazing. Just seeing the graphics here was amazing to me. Not just the 4D ultrasounds, but the computer generated graphics really made things clear. According to the NGC link above, it looks like this will be coming on again next Monday night. I still have it on the Tivo too if anyone wants to come over and watch it.

CD13 update

    The waiting begins again.  I went in this morning to see how I responded to the femara this go ’round.  I had two smaller follicles on the left ovary (8 mm and 11 mm), one smaller on the right, plus a larger one also on the right at 19 mm!  That is the likely one to rupture this month.  The bloodwork was to see if I’m about to ovulate on my own, or if I need to use an HCG trigger to bring on ovulation.  Well, as usual, I’m already surging, so no trigger shot!  Yay! My lining was at 7 mm, which the nurse said was good, but I feel like that may be a little on the low side?  Can anyone weigh in on lining thickness?  So, the two week wait basically begins.  I’m about to ovulate soon, and I’ll call them in 2 weeks for a blood pregnancy test if my period hasn’t come by then.

Emotionally, I’m doing pretty well at this point.  I always get nervous that I’m going to need the HCG trigger, but so far I haven’t needed that.  The thought of that stresses me out during this trip every time.  Luckily, I haven’t needed to really stress over that.  So right now, I’m just happy I don’t have to do that shot!  I’m also happy that it appears that we’ve timed things very well this month.  So, the conditions are all right, let’s see if it works!  Of course, I understand that the conditions were all right other times too, without the desired results.  I just push that thought to the back of my brain and focus on the fact that the conditions right now are good, which gives us the best chance at achieving the desired result.  And that’s all I can do at the moment.  Now to just be patient during the 2ww.  I wonder how many dpo I’ll start testing this month!

momentum lost

Uh, hm. I’ve lost my momentum. I’ve run out of things to talk about on here? Well at least as often as I was talking anyway. I’ll still leave any updates here. Right now, there’s not much to update. I go in on Monday morning for ultrasound and bloodwork to see how I responded to the femara this go round and to see if I’m about to ovulate on my own or not, or even if I’ve already ovulated (that was the case last month)!

On another note, Rick had lasik done this week. He’s recovering very well. Maybe I’ll build up enough courage to do that myself one day.